Thanks to Andrew for recommending me Nonviolent Communication by psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Here’s what I got out of it!
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) definition
NVC is a compassionate and empathetic approach to communication that aims to foster understanding, connection, and cooperation between individuals.
NVC provides a framework for expressing oneself honestly and listening empathetically to others, with a focus on observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
the book, broken down
4 Components of NVC
According to Rosenberg, NVC consists of 4 components:
- An observation: make an observation, and do so devoid of judgment as much as possible to understand the situation objectively and accurately
- A feeling: recognize and express the feelings this situation evokes
- A need: identify your needs at the root of these feelings
- A request: make a request, which, as opposed to a demand, is specific, actionable, and considerate of others’ autonomy, to try and satisfy those needs
🧐 Example: Let’s say you’re the facilitator of a meeting. During a team meeting, you notice some members are speaking over others and not giving everyone a chance to share their thoughts.
- Observation: “I’ve observed that while we were discussing the project, some team members interrupted and spoke over others, not allowing everyone to fully express their ideas.”
- Feeling: “I feel frustrated and disregarded when people speak over each other because I believe in creating an inclusive and collaborative team environment.”
- Need: “I have a need for open and respectful communication, where everyone’s input is valued and considered.”
- Request: “Could we establish a practice where we actively listen to each other without interrupting and give each person a dedicated time to share their thoughts during our meetings? This way, we can ensure that everyone’s ideas are heard and contribute to a more productive and harmonious team dynamic.”
Observing without Evaluating: Keepin’ It Factual
- ✅ An observation: “During the meeting, John spoke up five times and cut off others in three of those five times.
- ❌ An evaluation: “John always has to be the center of attention, constantly interrupting and monopolizing the conversation.”
Stick to facts when describing things to avoid adding an unnecessary critical tone.
If the person we are talking to feels they are being criticized, they will likely invest their energy into defending themselves rather than having a productive conversation.
We also often make unfair generalizations when using words like “always” and “never.”
Separate who a person is from their actions and be open to the possibility of behavior change. By avoiding extreme words, we can maintain a more balanced perspective and allow room for growth and improvement.
Identifying and Expressing Our Feelings
⚡ Resources to learn more about your emotions:
- Plutchik’s wheel of emotions
- List of 135 “feeling words”
- Susan David’s Ted Talk on The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage
Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings
Ultimately, we are in control of, and thus responsible for, our feelings.
Violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.
This quote serves as a reminder of the importance of self-reflection and empathy in breaking harmful patterns of violence.
Taking a moment to pause and collect ourselves before reacting to things happening around us can do wonders for managing our emotions.
By consciously choosing to step back, we create some breathing room to distance ourselves from those immediate emotional reactions, allowing us to see things more clearly and gain some perspective.
Expressing Anger
At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
Wait a minute…isn’t this book about nonviolent communication? What is anger doing here?
Well, it turns out that anger actually plays a significant role in the NVC framework. Rather than disregarding or suppressing anger, NVC acknowledges it as a natural emotion and explores how anger can be channeled to uncover underlying needs.
Rosenberg describes 4 steps to expressing anger healthily:
- Stop for a moment and take a deep breath
- Identify our judgmental thoughts
- Connect with our needs
- Express our feelings and unmet needs
Take full responsibility for your anger: acknowledge that another person or event can be the stimulus, but realize they do not control our emotions.
❓
If you’re feeling angry, ask yourself:
1. What specific emotions are you feeling?
2. What unmet needs do these feelings stem from?
Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life: Criteria for Making a Request
- Use a language of positive action: focus on constructive, proactive steps they can take to meet your request instead of dwelling on the negative
- Make a clear request: express your request in a precise, concise, specific, and sincere manner
- Have the request reformulated: rephrase the request in a different manner to clear up misunderstandings and dispel ambiguities
- Request vs. Demand: make sure the other person does not feel your request is a demand (something that implies an expectation or requirement with a sense of authority or entitlement)
Empathic Listening
- Listen to the other person’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests with empathy
- Be so focused on the other person and their needs that you almost forget yourself for a moment
- Paraphrase their request back to them to ensure you are on the same page and make them feel understood
Expressing Appreciation: 3 Components
Compliments often take the form of judgments.
Yes, they are positive judgments of people, but they are still just that: judgments.
To express gratitude and ensure others fully grasp the impact of their assistance, there are three key components involved:
- Describe the actions they took which have contributed to our well-being
- Describe which needs of ours were fulfilled
- The positive feelings we experience as a result of our needs being satisfied
🧐 Example: Maria, when you offered to listen and provide guidance during my tough time, I felt deeply supported. I was struggling with a difficult decision, and your attentive ear and wise advice gave me the clarity and confidence I needed to move forward.
reflections
I was a little skeptical of the book going in.
Would NVC provide genuine, actionable insights? Or would it just be another psychology/self-help book offering vague, generic advice?
However, as I read further, I discovered that NVC goes beyond the conventional self-help framework and is a valuable communication tool I see myself using in both my personal and professional lives.
🤔 Handling criticism is a weakness of mine, and I’ve found feelings of anger immediately bubbling up when faced with accusations of wrongdoing. While I’ve made some progress in this area over the years, I still have a long way to go and am looking for ways to react and take criticism more constructively.
Realizing I can control how I react to stimuli has been helpful and I hope will help me better manage my emotions and be at peace with myself.
🎯 NVC has also helped me be more in touch with my needs. By identifying my needs, I can also understand what makes me fulfilled and what I value.
🩺 Another useful lesson is developing empathy for others. I’m a pre-health student at UC Berkeley and am grateful to have the opportunity to intern at UCSF and interact with patients weekly. Part of my job as an intern is proactively calling cancer patients to screen for sources of distress (e.g. transportation barriers, difficulty with sleep, spiritual/religious issues).
Instead of imposing a rigid phone script onto every patient, I adopt a more flexible approach and go off-script, skip around, and omit a few questions if needed. Each patient’s experience with cancer is unique, and their emotional state can fluctuate from one conversation to the next. Rather than mechanically going through a checklist of questions, my priority is to create a supportive and understanding environment for each patient.
When speaking with patients, I pay attention to their voice and tone. If I sense fatigue, sadness, or a general reluctance to talk, I adapt my approach accordingly.
Picture this: if you experience chronic back pain and just got home after a draining round of chemotherapy, the last thing you want is for some college student to be pestering you about how you would rank the severity of your discomfort on a scale of 1-10.
I understand that these calls are not solely about gathering data or filling out survey blanks on our end. Rather, our priority is to provide compassionate care and support by sending them tailored resource letters.
Other times, instead of a resource letter, what patients need more is a listening ear - someone with whom they can share how their day went and how their life has been recently.
These are realizations that have dawned on me more recently, and I’ve observed a noticeable difference in patients’ receptiveness when I approach them with empathy. It’s a privilege and a responsibility that I get to directly interact with patients, and I aim to make the most out of my internship while I’m in college.
potential limitations
- Oversimplified Framework: While the book provides a structured approach to effective communication, some critics argue that the four-step process (observation, feelings, needs, requests) oversimplifies complex human interactions. Real-life situations often involve intricacies that may require more nuanced strategies.
- Cultural Context: NVC primarily emphasizes individual needs and feelings, which may not fully account for the cultural variations that influence communication styles and values. Cultural differences can significantly impact the effectiveness and interpretation of the techniques presented in the book.
- Emotional Complexity: Although the book acknowledges the importance of emotions, it may fall short in addressing the complexity of emotional experiences. Human emotions are often multi-faceted and influenced by a variety of factors, such as past traumas and personal histories. The book’s approach to emotions may oversimplify the emotional landscape, potentially hindering deeper understanding and resolution of conflicts.
- Excessive Personal Responsibility for One’s Emotions: NVC promotes personal responsibility for one’s emotions, which can be empowering. However, some argue that it places an excessive burden on individuals to manage their emotions entirely on their own. It may overlook the societal and environmental factors that can influence emotional well-being, such as systemic inequalities, social structures, and external stressors. The book’s focus on personal ownership may inadvertently neglect the importance of collective responsibility and the need for broader societal changes.
- Potential Misapplication: Some critics argue that the book’s focus on needs and feelings can be misused as a manipulative tactic to achieve one’s goals, without genuinely considering the needs of others. This misuse can undermine the core principles of empathy and understanding that the book seeks to promote.
final verdict + 5 takeaways
NVC is like a trusty tool in our communication toolbox, and the beauty of it lies in how we choose to use it.
It’s crucial to be aware of the potential limitations that come with it. But when we embrace NVC with that awareness, it becomes this powerful ally that helps us delve into our emotions and needs, master the art of listening to others’ needs, and express our own feelings in a way that leads to greater productivity and mutual understanding.
⚡ 5 takeaways
- Cultivate empathy and understanding in communication.
- Focus on identifying and expressing underlying needs.
- Distinguish between observations and evaluations.
- Make clear and actionable requests.
- Practice active listening to foster effective communication and understanding.