Figure out what the conversation is really about
There are 3 types of conversations
- Practical
- Be in a decision-making mindset
- Solve problems together
- Emotional
- ”How do you feel?”
- Tell stories, show empathy
- Social
- ”Who are we?”
- Is about social dynamics, how we perceive ourselves and others
Do you want to be helped (practical), hugged (emotional), or heard (social)?
Ask open-ended questions to understand others’ feelings
Instead of asking, “Where did you grow up?” ask, “What was your favorite thing about where you grew up?”
Ask open-ended questions that invite people to share their feelings and experiences. This approach helps us learn about their needs, goals, beliefs, values, and emotions.
Aligns with My Values, Beliefs, & Questions - be curious, ask lots of questions and follow-up questions. This also shows that you’re listening.
Vulnerability goes both ways
There is a cycle: Asking deep questions about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences creates vulnerability. That vulnerability triggers emotional contagion. And that, in turn, helps us connect.
Pay attention to others’ moods and energies
And try to match them. Synchronizing with others’ tones, moods, and energies helps with successful communication.
Duhigg cites an interesting study by Sievers et al. on the neural synchronization that happens during consensus-building conversation to make the above point.